In a lot of the countries I’ve visited in Africa, extramarital affairs are common and far from hidden, bragged about by guys in public, and discussed between women behind closed doors. People seem to be proud of having multiple partners, even expected to have them; the only shame felt is when someone is caught.
My travels in Asia have found numerous forms of prostitution commonplace there, as is many men’s disinterest in sex with their permanent partner after committing to marriage. People seem to have no problem spending money for the physical release and pleasure of the action, but I’m not sure how shameful the act would be if discussed in public, or among friends.
In many Western countries, where monogamy and intimacy are often highly valued, people can be found with another secret partner because they aren’t satisfied with their life partner, or they sometimes find themselves succumbing to a one-time fling in the heat of an unexpected encounter; either way, there is often a sense of guilt associated with the actions after, if not during, the act itself, and an inner struggle can develop, as one tries to either live with the lies, or share them and hope to be forgiven for the mistake(s).
In these examples, the idea of shame seems to have two branches: lack of discretion, which implicates other people in the community; and the dishonesty involved, which for some can be very difficult to live with.
So in theory, if we take away the dishonesty and let our partners know what we are up to (and even participate in it), we have no reason to be discreet or to feel guilty when acting on attraction. Is it possible then to enjoy sex without secrets, and have nothing to be ashamed about? I’m looking forward to a guest blog entry from a friend (or two) who will share their experience in open relationships, for better, not for worse. Stay tuned…
Sex. - Not All Men Are Monsters - Sex. Travel. Food. Life. - Brian Johnston 
In my opinion and from my experience, the secrecy and essence of “being bad” is a part of the attraction. Discretion in extra-martial affairs is necessary in order to show respect for your partner who you committed to and promised to spend your life with. It is about “saving face”…..your partner’s face. They are the innocent bystander in the indiscretion their partner has created.
interesting insight, thanks for sharing!
i can definitely understand the excitement that comes from “being bad”, as i’ve had my share of doing things in places where i shouldn’t have been doing them, sometimes in secret relationships too. but in my case, it’s still fun to reflect on the times that i did get caught “being bad” with someone who was not attached to someone else, whereas the one time i got caught with a married woman (didn’t know she was married when we hooked up), by her husband, it was anything but exciting, and i was crazy scared for myself just as much as for her, as i left the scene as quickly and discretely as possible!
Em muitos dos países que eu visitei em África, casos extra-conjugais são comuns e longe escondido, se gabou por homens em público, e discutidos entre as mulheres por trás de portas fechadas. As pessoas parecem se orgulhar de ter múltiplos parceiros, até mesmo esperado que eles têm, só senti a vergonha é quando alguém é pego.
Minhas viagens na Ásia têm encontrado inúmeras formas de prostituição comum lá, como é o desinteresse de muitos homens no sexo com seu parceiro permanente depois de cometer o casamento. As pessoas parecem não ter problema de gastar dinheiro para a libertação física eo prazer da acção, mas não estou certo como o ato vergonhoso seria se discutiu em público, ou entre amigos.
Em muitos países ocidentais, onde a monogamia e a intimidade são muitas vezes altamente valorizados, as pessoas podem ser encontrados com um outro parceiro secreto porque eles não estão satisfeitos com o seu parceiro de vida, ou às vezes encontram-se sucumbir a uma aventura de uma só vez, no calor de um inesperado encontro, de qualquer forma, há muitas vezes um sentimento de culpa associado com as acções depois, se não durante o ato em si, e uma luta interna pode desenvolver, como se tenta quer viver com a mentira, ou compartilhá-los e espero poder ser perdoado pelo erro (s).
Nesses exemplos, a ideia de vergonha parece ter duas vertentes: a falta de poder, que implica outras pessoas na comunidade e envolver a desonestidade, o que para alguns pode ser muito difícil de se conviver.
Portanto, em teoria, se nós tirarmos a desonestidade e deixar os nossos parceiros sabem o que estamos fazendo (e até mesmo participar nela), não temos nenhuma razão para ser discreto ou se sentir culpado quando actuando na atracção. É possível, então para desfrutar do sexo sem segredos, e não tem nada a se envergonhar? Estou ansioso para um visitante do blog a entrada de um amigo (ou dois), que irá partilhar a sua experiência em relacionamentos abertos, para melhor, não para pior. Fique atento.
do i have an official translator here? thanks!