Fu¢k buddies, and nothing more?

When I think about this topic, the first thing that comes to mind is a scene from the movie Vanilla Sky (the American remake of the Spanish film Abre los ojos). Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz play characters with a somewhat undefined relationship (his best friend referring to her as his “fu¢k buddy”, and her playing along in the beginning as if her feelings aren’t strong for him either). Later on in the movie, she gets a little hysterical, telling him something like, “You fu¢ked me three times in one night, I swallowed your cum; that means something”. He sits there wondering what the hell she’s talking about, while she has no clue why he can’t understand the significance. From the conversations I’ve been having, it seems like a lot of people are still in the dark when it comes to the ties between sex and emotion, and how it differentiates between women and men.

In order to create a discussion around this, I need to make some huge generalizations about both sexes, so bear with me (and I have no idea how this applies to gay and bisexual beings, or to people working in the sex trade, so I encourage you to share your viewpoints as comments, whether they differ or follow suit).

I know that for many men, the physical act of having sex does not have a lasting emotional effect that automatically correlates to the seriousness of a relationship, in the way it often does for women. We can do it with someone once, twice, or a hundred times, and it can remain nothing more than a physical pleasure we enjoy without thinking or looking for more from our partner. It has nothing to do with how much we do or don’t care about the person; our emotional feelings are in a separate part of our head. Good sex can make us want to get closer to somebody, and intimate moments before, during and after can intensify feelings, but they aren’t an automatic consequence of intercourse.

With just about every woman I’ve talked to this about, I’ve been told in the beginning of the conversation that they can definitely have sex without getting attached, but the more I probe, the less likely that seems to be true. One night stands (which are easy for a woman to find when she feels the need) may be an exception, but even they seem to create an emotional desire (if the sex was good) that sometimes continues through fantasies and pining, days or weeks after the encounter. Even cheating on somebody seems to start out as a physical thing for many women, but it often seems to turn into thoughts about the future, more demands for time and attention, and huge complications that the guys didn’t see coming when they took the women’s words and intentions literally.

I’ve actually recognized myself being less receptive and outgoing in bed at times, when I sense my partner becoming emotionally attached, after telling me she wanted nothing more than to have sex from the onset (which put me into that mentality). I think this is one of the problems: when men say something like that, they mean it and follow through with their words; when women say it, they may want nothing more than a good screw going in, but they can’t often control their emotions, and their needs and desires start to change.

So what I’m curious to know about is how women who think they’re capable of having sex repeatedly with the same person over a prolonged period of time (without getting attached) do it? Do you have to make an effort to stop yourself from getting emotionally involved? Do you suppress feelings, or have you learned to detach the act of sex from the art of falling for someone? Are there certain types of partners that are easier to do this with, and others who need to be avoided at all costs? Are there any guys out there who feel like they can’t separate sex from feelings? Any other related insight or comments to share?