“She stated that I wanted to have sex tonight, and asked if I was upset. I told her it’s not that I want to have sex, it’s that I want her to want to enjoy sex when we have some time alone and I set the mood for a romantic evening… Sex should be fun and relaxing, but with us, there’s no spontaneity or sense of anticipation and excitement. It’s difficult to get her interested unless she instigates things, and it seems like a chore on the odd occasion that she does. And the fact that she’s drained from work makes me feel bad if I try to ‘seduce’ her when she’s ready to doze off.” (p. 378)

I was at a party last night when someone came up to me and told me they’d been looking for it for a while, and it was time I satisfied them, in fact it was long overdue.

I said I know, that I’ve been extremely stressed lately with money and work issues, and haven’t been able to put aside some quality time.

Even though I know I need to do it, and others are asking for it, I can’t force myself to enjoy it if I’m not into it right now. I wouldn’t be performing to my potential, and the result would be a non-climactic letdown.

It has little to do with desire; I wish I could do it three times a day. But as the pressures mound, days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and suddenly I can’t even remember what it feels like to be satisfied. It’s easier to make excuses than to get in the mood.

And then the underlying problems start to fade away. There’s a positive outlook for work and opportunity on the horizon, and as this stress is lifted, my energy and enthusiasm suddenly feel renewed. All it takes is one suggestive action at a party, and I’m ready to go at it again, with all the passion I’ve been missing.

And so ends another long stretch of blog writer’s block, and a deeper understanding of how difficult it can be to do something you want and love, when it just doesn’t feel like the right moment.

For her, she had read numerous stories about me in my sex blog, and though I talk about the importance of using protection, you can never be too sure of a new partner when you know they’ve been active in different parts of the world. For me, I’m freaked out by the high prevalence of HIV/AIDS in Namibia (and Africa in general), with the (not so accurate) stats saying roughly one in every six adults here is HIV positive.

So rather than live with the anxiety, we decided to do the responsible thing, and go together for HIV testing.

We arrived in a downtown clinic, where I was a noticeable standout with my white skin. After registering at reception, we sat in a room with park-style benches around the edges, and a television to keep people’s minds elsewhere. It wasn’t exactly a place full of energy and happy faces, but we talked away in Spanish, both of us really nervous, wondering what we’d do if the results weren’t negative.

We were eventually called into an office for pre-test counseling, done by a psychology student. The room had chairs with ripped seats, a sink with a bar of soap, a doctor’s examination bed, and a desk where we sat in front of the young counselor.

After taking down our names (I thought the tests would be anonymous, but not at this clinic), she asked whether or not we were a couple: if yes, we continue the consultation together; if no, one of us could wait outside. We let her know that we recently met, and wanted to do the test together.

She let us know that she would be asking a series of personal questions, and she’d be watching us, looking into our minds, and if we had trouble answering the questions honestly, then we wouldn’t be permitted to do the tests. I thought that was a bit extreme; are you going to send away someone who has come to find out their status because they don’t understand what HIV/AIDS is, and encourage them to leave uninformed to potentially spread the disease further?

One of the first questions was why we wanted to be tested, ladies to answer first. She said she just met me, and wanted to know her status. She was tested last year, but had another partner in between. For me, I had not been tested in about four years, and I was genuinely feeling the fears that people talk about all the time: not wanting to get tested, because I’m afraid to know if I’m HIV positive; re-living every sexual encounter since my last test, thinking about the few situations that could have put me at risk; wondering what it would be like to live with the stigma, and to know that my life would be cut short and be full of speeches every time I thought about getting involved with another woman; wondering what I would do if I was negative, and my potential partner, who I barely know, is positive, and I suddenly need to carry her secret and support her in ways that are much heavier than if we had just decided to trust the 99% effectiveness rate of condoms without asking questions; but what if that small percentage of ineffectiveness has already infected me; then the internal conversation starts all over again in the mind.

Next we were asked what we know about HIV/AIDS. My partner explained how HIV is a virus that leads to AIDS. I expanded, based on the info I’ve accumulated as a development worker: the virus attacks the immune system, weakening it, and making the body more vulnerable to other illnesses that it in turn has difficulty fighting off (those illnesses could be something as simple as the common cold, to something as serious as Tuberculosis, which is curable but requires daily, uninterrupted treatment, and is very common in Namibia, with roughly 75% of the patients in the program I work with in Katutura co-infected with HIV). And as the HIV virus breaks down the cells that help fight off illness, the count of these cells eventually gets so low that the infected person’s immune system cannot function, and they are diagnosed with AIDS. There is no vaccine or cure for the disease, however anti-retroviral drugs (ARVs) do help patients live longer.

We were then asked what could be done to prevent the spread of HIV, and what we were doing. Abstaining was the first answer, and the counselor asked why we were there if we weren’t having sex. We explained that we wanted to be responsible and check our status before being sexually active and possibly spreading the disease. The counselor added that HIV can be transmitted from one person to another through their blood (through a cut, open sore, sharing dirty needles, etc), through vaginal fluids and semen (she forgot to mention breast milk and through giving birth), but not through sharing toilet seats, shaking hands, or other myths that many people still believe and fear in this part of the world. But she didn’t really recognize the value of testing before instead of after getting involved.

The next line of questioning had to deal with multiple partners, and the ‘Break the Chain’ campaign that is currently running in Southern Africa. The counselor asked what country I was from, and then used me as an example to illustrate an idea: she said that I may be here in Namibia for a short period of time, telling this girl that I have only one partner, meanwhile back in Canada, I have another girl waiting for me, and another in another country I visited, or another part of town; if one of those partners is HIV positive, it creates a chain of disease that comes back to this girl, and the chain needs to be broken by using protection, and reducing the number of partners we sleep with (she didn’t speak of monogamy, which I thought was more realistic culturally).

I pointed out to the counselor that the same scenario applies to women sleeping with multiple partners, not just men, and everyone agreed that it is not only a male model that she was illustrating.

I don’t know if she left the lecture on protecting ourselves rather short because she sensed that we were not people who were sleeping around, but for the average person coming into counseling, I thought that much more could have been said (we were pretty much saying ‘Yes, yes’ to everything), as it was not very educational or convincing if they’re really trying to change behaviour.

My personal feeling is that multiple partners is very common in sub-Saharan Africa, and rather than campaign for people to ‘break the chain’ by being monogamous or having less partners, they could modify the idea to ‘protect yourself from the chain’, showing how a condom protects us from whatever diseases we are sexually connected to, and if we really want to enjoy ourselves and think about our own health, the best way to do it is to use condoms every time we’re with somebody.

The counselor eventually allowed us to move onto the second office, where we were greeted by a man and an enthusiastic woman, who said she was very happy to see a young couple coming to do testing together (it doesn’t seem very common here, and 95% of the people in the waiting room were women, not men).

As they prepared to give us a ‘rapid test’, which takes only about 15 minutes, I noticed that the man was working away without any latex gloves on. This reminded me of a poster I saw in the VSO office, asking people to donate latex gloves to NGOs to be shipped overseas.

First, my finger was pricked with some type of needle, then the blood sucked into a little glass tube, and finally dropped on two different types of tests. After we both did it, we were sent back out to the waiting room, for what seemed like much longer than fifteen minutes.

When we were called back into the room, there was an immediate sense of relief, as the woman referred to us in a playful voice as the beautiful young couple, before asking if we were ready for our results. She gave each of us the other’s result, ensuring that we shared the correct information: both said ‘non-reactive post test’, which wasn’t exactly clear. She explained that at this point, both of our blood samples showed no trace of HIV/AIDS, but that there is a three-month window from the time we had sex with our last partner, and during those three months, an HIV-positive person could still test negative, as the virus grows in the body. Her suggestion during this time was to ‘condomize’, and then come back for a follow-up test after three months. She said that we should feel happy, and asked us to hug and kiss for her before leaving. We exited the room with big smiles on our faces, looking forward to what comes next without a heavy stress from the unknown.

We both thanked each other (before and after the test) for doing this together, and it made me feel very responsible, as we walked around the city in each other’s arms (receiving a lot of stares from the crowds who still aren’t so accustomed to seeing mixed-race couples here, but that’s another story!). It’s definitely worth holding off the next time you find yourself hot and ready with someone you don’t know, especially in a high-risk situation, so that you can first remove any fears and hesitation (and knowing your partner’s status will do that), before enjoying the pleasures that come with a peaceful mind.

“I turned around and ran off to find her when I bumped straight into Corey, who had beaten me to it and was formally introducing us before I could catch my breath. She needed to go back to her room to freshen up, so we agreed to meet in front of the market thirty minutes later…

“When we got to the café, she grabbed my hand as we waited in line. She looked at me and I could see fire burning in her eyes. She started kissing me right there, and I had never felt so much passion. When we finally got to our table ten minutes later, she couldn’t stop herself from touching me. Corey and her friends had to sit there and try not to stare while we were all over each other. Things got hotter on the dance floor, where I could feel her blood boiling as we moved to the Latin beats.

“We went for a walk on the beach, and we didn’t care about offending the people around us. We were standing next to the waves, up and under each other’s clothes, lost in the heat of the moment. She eventually told me to stop, and we found our friends before she drove Corey and me back to our hotel…

“Corey took her friends out for a walk, and finally we had the opportunity to be alone. She lay down on her hotel bed and we started to kiss. I don’t remember the sequence of words and events that followed, but the result is clear in my mind: I was standing on the other side of the room, leaning against the wall and looking at her lying on the bed. She had told me she didn’t want to have sex, and instead of playing the yes/no game, I was staring at her, thinking I really respected this girl and didn’t want to do anything if she wasn’t sure of what she wanted…

“She left the next day for Mexico City. She wrote me when I got back to Toronto, telling me she wanted so badly to have sex with me but was afraid of looking like a slut.” (p.90-92)

I get frustrated every time I hear comments from guys who say they want and love freaky girls in bed, but in the same breath, hope to find a ‘good girl’ who doesn’t like to go out and party, etc, who can help them settle down.

This type of attitude can discourage women from expressing their sexual freedom, for fear of limiting the chances of commitment with a particular person. In reality, women who love sex would probably be better off telling a guy they can’t share it with to screw himself, while they find someone who understands that a good girl can also be good in bed (Mrs. Cleaver is not the modern means of satisfying your man, though we never saw what tricks she had under her skirt).

And it also suggests that these guys (and their partners) feel like they’re doing something wrong by wanting to enjoy sex and experimentation in a relationship (social and religious conditioning isn’t something that’s easy to reject).

Why would we hope to find a partner for the long term who can help us repress our sexual desire, rather than explore it? This type of attitude creates couples who, as individuals, may both be kinky with all types of freaky sex on their mind, yet they’re afraid of sharing it with each other (possibly never knowing what they’re missing), while they instead have to find some other means of satisfaction.

I personally love confident women who know and tell me what they want and like, and have experience to add to the fun (and not for just one night: I would never write off someone I share an incredible physical connection with as ‘not girlfriend material’); it’s something to be proud of, not something to hide.

So isn’t it better to be completely open with our partners, and to stop trying to separate fantasy from future, so that we may feel comfortable and confident with each others skills and desires, rather than intimidated or ashamed?

There are times for hot, quick sex, and times when we want to take our time to enjoy the act for as long as we possibly can. For some people (or with some couples’ chemistry), there’s no differentiation between the two when it comes to getting ready to enter. For others, foreplay plays a big role in their performance.

From my own experience (and from the stories people tell me), foreplay for many is concentrated on the most sensitive erogenous zones. This can be great for quick sex, but if you want to enjoy an all-nighter, abruptly bringing your partner right up to their peak can be like throwing a plug in the top of an active volcano, and expecting it to stop it from erupting.

And even worse, a lot of partners tend to take turns arousing each other during foreplay (I sometimes find myself doing the same thing, sitting back relaxed until my partner tires out, then taking my turn until she volunteers to start again). This can create a cyclic wave of arousal: up down, up down, up down, then up and oops…

Rather than putting all the fun and pressure on one physical zone, we can slow things down and relax every part of the body and mind, by paying attention to them interactively during foreplay. This type of enjoyment can create calming sensations that are more intense, yet still controllable.

One example is running a combination of the soft side of your fingertips and nails across your partner’s body, creating sensual patterns directly on their skin, over and under clothes and sheets, alternating between one and two hands at a time, slow, then fast, then slow again, reaching for every inch of their figure, adding an unexpected kiss in unusual places to heighten the excitement.

You can incorporate music too, whispering words while you compose your own pulsating melody, tapping and gliding tactile rhythms that change just when your partner thinks they know what’s coming next. The most important thing is to take your time to enjoy the moment, rather than concentrate on what’s (or who’s) coming next. And best of all, you can do it to each other simultaneously, synchronizing your stimulation and continuing the fun as you become one..

Contrary to popular belief, many men do love (and benefit from) foreplay, especially when it’s creative and two-way. And we can use all the suggestions you’ve got. So please share your anonymous tricks for interactive enjoyment, and help keep my readers’ beds moaning with satisfaction!

Being in Mozambique brings back all types of great memories.

Do you remember being a horny little teenager, and getting aroused at the idea of playing twister with some of your schoolmates, let alone actually doing it? You may have even taken a round at nude twister, which can be dangerously addictive. But you don’t need to pull out the plastic (though it could be handy) to enjoy some twisted positions that can turn your sex life into a whole new game of fun. And no matter how out of shape you may feel, a little sexual inspiration can remind you of how flexible you can be, and how easy it is to balance yourself in unorthodox ways.

To get started, I think it really helps if you get off the bed and on to the floor, to take turns directing; in the above story, the girl would tell me exactly where to put my hands and feet to be able to support her weight, and it made all the difference (and probably prevented the tent from collapsing on both of us!).

An easy starter set of positions requires the guy to support himself on all fours (with his ass off the ground), while the girl maneuvers herself between his legs, back facing him, alternating between supporting herself by putting one of her hands on his knee and one hand on the ground outside his leg (which allows her to arch her back towards his body), and putting both hands on the ground in front of her body (or one on the ground while the other reaches between her legs to play with him or even herself), giving him a perfect view of her hot sex as she glides up, down, and all around. She can also wrap a foot around one of his ankles with one hand on the ground to feel weightless (a sensation he’ll enjoy with most of his body floating), or try any other number of subtle position changes that can create all sorts of sensations. The more often you move around in different ways, the more exciting it gets!

Try it out, and share your own favourite balancing acts as comments for the rest of us to enjoy!

Women have told me I’m insane when I talk about often going six months or even years without any physical contact from the opposite sex; their average threshold seems to be around three months before they have to find a partner. It’s no surprise then that when I’m volunteering, I find a huge number of females with locals guys, much more than guys with local girls. And many of them have serious boyfriends back home who they continue to talk with on the phone, as if nothing has changed.

I understand women’s need for physicality, even if I don’t share it (I enjoy sex to the fullest when I have it, but I don’t need it), and I often say that if I had a committed partner who was unable to be with me for a period of time (in a long distance relationship, or for whatever reason), I wouldn’t object to her finding someone to fill the physical void that she needs while we’re apart, as long as it’s just about getting laid; what would bother me is if she replaced our intellectual or intimate connection at the same time. But there’s probably no need to tell me about it, because as long as I trust her, I’m not going to wonder or ask..

My travels in Asia have found numerous forms of prostitution commonplace there, as is many men’s disinterest in sex with their permanent partner after committing to marriage. People seem to have no problem spending money for the physical release and pleasure of the action, but I’m not sure how shameful the act would be if discussed in public, or among friends.

In many Western countries, where monogamy and intimacy are often highly valued, people can be found with another secret partner because they aren’t satisfied with their life partner, or they sometimes find themselves succumbing to a one-time fling in the heat of an unexpected encounter; either way, there is often a sense of guilt associated with the actions after, if not during, the act itself, and an inner struggle can develop, as one tries to either live with the lies, or share them and hope to be forgiven for the mistake(s).

In these examples, the idea of shame seems to have two branches: lack of discretion, which implicates other people in the community; and the dishonesty involved, which for some can be very difficult to live with.

So in theory, if we take away the dishonesty and let our partners know what we are up to (and even participate in it), we have no reason to be discreet or to feel guilty when acting on attraction. Is it possible then to enjoy sex without secrets, and have nothing to be ashamed about? I’m looking forward to a guest blog entry from a friend (or two) who will share their experience in open relationships, for better, not for worse. Stay tuned…

We met in the bakery where she worked in Bugolobi (on the outskirts of Kampala). Our first conversation became a constant joke, when she mistook my request for ‘something hot from the oven’ as ‘something hard’. I was there every morning, and after a couple weeks of short conversations, she asked me to meet her after work.

We went for a walk, and almost as soon as we got around the corner from her workplace, her luscious African lips consumed my mouth and tongue. I couldn’t believe how soft and sexy they felt, and that first kiss set the tone for the excitement to come.

We crossed the road, and sat down on the grass next to a tree. We were maybe five metres from the flood of people rushing home in the dark, their silhouettes and elongated shadows visible every few seconds when a car’s headlights would zoom by. Then as quickly as my eyes were blinded by one of the vehicles, I found my pants opened, and the Ugandan going to work on me with both hands. I was shocked, with so many people around, yet thrilled by her impatience and lack of concern.

We had to calm down and move on when kids walking around became curious about the foreigner in plain sight. We found what appeared to be an open field, but just as we lay down, an army official came over in full uniform, ordering us up and marching us over to his office. He wanted to throw us in jail for trespassing, not to mention indecent exposure, but this girl argued for us, continuing even after he agreed to have us escorted off the property. I had to shut her up before he changed his mind.

She told me she was off the next day, and we planned to meet in the afternoon. This time she took me to the back of a dark bar in the centre of Kampala, but with my white skin, there was no way to be subtle in a place full of locals. Unable to take it any longer, she threw me on the back of a motorbike with her, and we headed up into some hills, through a maze of dirt roads, finally stopping at some type of transient hotel.

I had never been to a place like this before, and was a bit embarrassed to go in. She went to check if there were any rooms, while I waited outside the ‘gate’ (A collection of rusty metal sheets and cardboard). A few minutes later she came to grab me, everyone staring as we walked towards the door. She quickly asked if I wanted to sleep there with her, or just stay for a few hours, as the price was different. We agreed to take the hourly rate, and then started our way down the dirty hall in what must have been the most cliché experience I could have imagined: red light bulbs in the hallways; a humid, suffocating smell; and 90s R&B music blaring out of the sound system, to try and drown out the moans coming from each room.

We opened our door to find a small washing basin on the floor to the right, a big bed, and not much more. I can’t even remember any foreplay or undressing; the two things that stand out in my mind are her long, soft, chocolate brown body, and the two of us talking dirty, laughing hysterically at the bed creaking and slamming up against the wall like you’d see in a movie, as we did everything imaginable to satisfy each other sexually.

After a few hours, she got up and started to wash herself in the basin; I just stared at her beautiful outline bent over in the dark. I tried to take photos of her, but there wasn’t enough light in the room, and my camera had no flash.

We left the place with big smiles on our faces, and headed back to Bugolobi to take some photos in a studio and have some food. She told me she was moving into her own apartment in the coming weeks, and was hoping I’d stick around to enjoy some more time with her. There were two complicating factors though, despite my comfort in the city and with the situation: I needed to get to Zambia for some contract consulting I was doing for an NGO, and later on that night, I heard her on the phone telling a couple guys that she was now ‘pumping’ me, so they shouldn’t waste their time calling or trying to pursue her; the first one was her boss, whom had been trying to get in her pants for ages (she had already told me about him, and pointed us out to each other in the bakery). The second one, which came as a big surprise, was her fiancé! I was on a bus the next morning for Bukoba, Tanzania, not taking any chances of a run-in with him!!

In order to create a discussion around this, I need to make some huge generalizations about both sexes, so bear with me (and I have no idea how this applies to gay and bisexual beings, or to people working in the sex trade, so I encourage you to share your viewpoints as comments, whether they differ or follow suit).

I know that for many men, the physical act of having sex does not have a lasting emotional effect that automatically correlates to the seriousness of a relationship, in the way it often does for women. We can do it with someone once, twice, or a hundred times, and it can remain nothing more than a physical pleasure we enjoy without thinking or looking for more from our partner. It has nothing to do with how much we do or don’t care about the person; our emotional feelings are in a separate part of our head. Good sex can make us want to get closer to somebody, and intimate moments before, during and after can intensify feelings, but they aren’t an automatic consequence of intercourse.

With just about every woman I’ve talked to this about, I’ve been told in the beginning of the conversation that they can definitely have sex without getting attached, but the more I probe, the less likely that seems to be true. One night stands (which are easy for a woman to find when she feels the need) may be an exception, but even they seem to create an emotional desire (if the sex was good) that sometimes continues through fantasies and pining, days or weeks after the encounter. Even cheating on somebody seems to start out as a physical thing for many women, but it often seems to turn into thoughts about the future, more demands for time and attention, and huge complications that the guys didn’t see coming when they took the women’s words and intentions literally.

I’ve actually recognized myself being less receptive and outgoing in bed at times, when I sense my partner becoming emotionally attached, after telling me she wanted nothing more than to have sex from the onset (which put me into that mentality). I think this is one of the problems: when men say something like that, they mean it and follow through with their words; when women say it, they may want nothing more than a good screw going in, but they can’t often control their emotions, and their needs and desires start to change.

So what I’m curious to know about is how women who think they’re capable of having sex repeatedly with the same person over a prolonged period of time (without getting attached) do it? Do you have to make an effort to stop yourself from getting emotionally involved? Do you suppress feelings, or have you learned to detach the act of sex from the art of falling for someone? Are there certain types of partners that are easier to do this with, and others who need to be avoided at all costs? Are there any guys out there who feel like they can’t separate sex from feelings? Any other related insight or comments to share?

I myself have been asked by a number of girls to participate in one, but I was left in charge of finding the third participant (and by the time the next proposal would come around, the last girl was in a relationship, and no longer available). Others have offered to find someone in an effort to please me, however this still remains an unfulfilled dream.

It can be hard enough to bring up this topic with a partner, and once it’s done and agreed on, there’s nothing more frustrating than knowing you both want it, but have nobody to join in. So I want to ask my readers: how do you recognize someone who may be interested in being the third piece of an erotic puzzle, and how do you go about asking them? Who shouldn’t you ask?

Looking forward to reading your tips!

After talking and experimenting with a number of girls, I think this may be one of the easiest ways to add excitement and new pleasures between your sheets (or wherever you like to get down). I recommend starting with some rhythmic music, whatever type gets your hips moving. Women may find it easier in the beginning to keep their balance and control by sitting on top, either kneeling, facing their partner, or seated with their back towards them, feet on the floor and hands on their knees (lap dance style). For guys, it’s probably easier to be kneeling behind your partner, or standing up. Forget the old in/out movement and get into the music, grinding, thrusting and winding your waist as you would in the club, changing speed and direction with the beats. Experience new sensations by applying old school skills you never realized you had, and your motivation will increase with each song.

It’s probably simpler to start out with one partner dancing while the other sits back and enjoys, but the real magic begins when you can both find your rhythm and share more than just a moment in music together..

Have fun!!

“After carefully putting on a condom, she pushed me down onto my sleeping bag and told me she was going to ‘dance for me’. I had seen a lot of African tribal performances, but nothing like this. She sat down on top of me, and as I entered her, she started to move her lower torso in ways I had only experienced on the dance floor: up, down, around, pulsating, jumping, yet always in control as she looked at me with a proud smile of satisfaction…” (p.154)

Thoughts, stories, or skills to share? I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours…